Fuck you Carrie Bradshaw
It has been a while since my last blog. It took a dinner with an old friend to get me to try this one last time. Over two years of silence and I only have one thing to say, “Fuck you Carrie Bradshaw.”
It has been months since my two-year relationship ended. For any straight people reading that is about 10 years in your dating world. Two mother fucking years! I still can’t believe it. Before that I was a young man living in San Francisco writing about my life and experiences. After two years I have only learned one thing. What is it you ask? Quite simply all I learned is that I fucking hate Carrie Bradshaw.
Some of you may be thinking “Way Harsh Ty” while others might be congratulating me for stating just how much Carrie’s ongoing relationship dramas messed with all our heads. For the bitches that didn’t understand the Clueless reference earlier please do a us both a favor and just stop reading. Why am I giving a big fuck you to one of Americas pop culture icons? Lets take a look at Ms Bradshaw’s track record and see how she almost single handedly fucked up many women and homos around the globe.
What was the first lesson we learned from Carrie Bradshaw? Every girl finds her Mr. Big! Well Carrie all I have to say to that is a big fuck you! Every girl (or gay in this matter) does not find her Mr. Big. This illusion that we will find something great in a bar unexpectedly at night or on a magical first date being driven around Manhattan by a car and driver is nuts. Do you know what you find in a bar late at night? No? Well it is also what you find when trolling the inter-webs for love late at night too. Still don’t know? Good because I do and I am going to tell you. It’s that thing you woke up next to that one morning that night after you got trashed. At first sight of the wretched creature with terrible breath in bed you have a quick moment of “Oh no I didn’t” followed by a huge amount of shame that immediately leads to your decision to sneak out of bed without waking them and quickly grab your clothes (strewn about the floor obviously) and leave the house praying you don’t wake that ugly ass up on your way out. You are pretty sure that things probably a man because your ass is sore and you saw a used condom next to the bed… And thank god for that because you couldn’t stand to go to the clinic one more time this week! You quickly run out the door knowing that the shame of walking down the street half dressed and hair a bloody mess is far better than the horrors of the man you just slept with waking up and trying to talk to you. Even worse if he were to tell you his name you would have a much harder time pretending you did not just let that ugly man slip his sausage bits into you at 3am. Yes, Carrie, THAT’S WHAT you find in a bar at the end of the night. Trust me! Also… being driven around Manhattan by someone else’s car and driver isn’t all its cracked up to be. Double dog trust me on that one.
Secondly Carrie taught us that love conquers all. Truly it does. Not only did Mr. Big break up with Carrie to marry another women he then decided to come back in her life and have an affair with her. Does anyone else remember when she cheated on Aidan with Big? What did this teach us? It only reinforced the fact that monogamy doesn’t work for those of use who are horny sluts and didn’t believe in it to begin with. It taught the rest of us that cheating was acceptable and in most cases would lead to great sex as long as you were in love. Yes, Carrie Bradshaw let’s break two innocent hearts all in the name of love. LET’S! Thank you for teaching us that being a mistress is socially acceptable. Once again… Trust me on this one (I’ve lived a lot) It’s not!
Third. When a rich Russian swoops you off your feet you leave your entire life behind you to move to Europe with him. For once I can’t say trust me because as hard as I’ve tried this hasn’t happened to me. If it did come to fruition you know my ass would be jumping on that plane but that’s not the point. The point is once again Carrie has fucked us all. Why has she fucked us all on this one? Well it wasn’t so much that she moved to Europe but what happened after. Carrie was surprised that she was miserable? Really Carrie Bradshaw? Really?!? Let us be a leader to the clans of gays and women that follow you. You up and move with a man you barely know to a city where you have no friends, no social connections and you don’t speak the language. What did she think was going to happen? Then at her loneliest moment Mr. Big arrives to save her. This was a huge lesson to us all that your uber rich ex boyfriend who you had an affair with, a man that had dumped you and a man that could never commit or say he loved you would magically appear at the moment you most needed someone. This. Is. Bullshit. I am also blaming my most miserable and lonely moments on you Carrie Bradshaw because unlike what I was taught by your societal wits no Mr. Big came to save me at my lows, which just frankly made the lows even lower. To any adolescents that may be reading please heed my advice. Do not drink and take pills (or powdered substances) at your lows. That makes them even lower… Trust me.
Last. I am taking this to the first movie now. I would never mention the second movie because that was a catastrophe. Carrie Bradshaw taught us the ultimate lesson in love. When a man leaves you at the alter after about 6 months of pain and loneliness you not only forgive him but marry him. Now this is the big FUCK YOU to Carrie. That bullshit ruined me. Thanks for setting the bar so high that no man could ever compare. I am going to run right out and find this uber rich cheating can’t emotionally connect asshole who is going to leave me at the alter just so I can forgive his lackluster ass and marry him 6 months later. Awesome Bradshaw. Awesome! Seriously you taught me well. I have taken most of your lessons and immersed them in my life. What was my outcome? I bet you guessed! My outcome was this… Fuck you Carrie Bradshaw.
Thanks for reading my first entry back into blogging. It’s not much bit it’s a start.