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Month: February, 2013

Don’t be a freak.

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Lately I have been experiencing the adventures of online dating. Can you even call them adventures? Most of these experiences are annoying let downs at the very least. When I meet an online date for the first time whatever seemed to have tickled my pickle (so to speak) in the pictures they posted is usually completely absent when you meet them in person. Mostly I realize that I have fallen for the equivalent of a straight man falling for a chick that does the fat girl angles/Duck Face online.  At the first glimpse of most of my dates I am screaming FFFUUCCCKKK in my head and thinking of how I can run in the other direction. Being the nice guy I am I try and stick it out for at least a little while. During this time is when I analyze how foolish I was not to be able to realize that the guy sitting in front of me totally used specialized angles in his profile to make him look attractive… Or said he was a top. Stupid me. The worst was when I showed up and the guy I was meeting was easily 15 years and 50lbs heavier than what he said his most recent picture was. He was a totally top though so of course I stayed just incase. Nothing happened.

Nothing happened is the theme of my new dating life. The ugly ones are well… just too damn ugly for me to do anything with and the hot ones don’t call me back. Oh sweet dating life. I forgot that this IS how things go. Considering how long I’ve been single and the fact that no one has gotten “it” in I have come to conclusion that this dating life is not going so well. The other nights date cemented that fact.

Let us call the other nights date Ben for this blogs sake. I should have known right away that something was off when I couldn’t get Ben to meet anywhere outside of the Castro. Don’t get me wrong. The Castro serves a purpose but I feel it is very limited in food choices. I should also mention that after meeting Ben I will no longer make dinner dates the first time I meet someone.

After several text messages going back and forth over a time and place to meet Ben decided on a very generic and mediocre café in the heart of the Castro. I agreed firstly because he was hot and secondly because he was a top. Do you notice a running theme here? I worked out of my whorish ways a few years ago but I still make sure whoever I date is going to match up with my bedroom needs. I arrived first and waited outside for Ben. He arrived soon after. I am big on being on time so he had earned a few bonus points. As soon as I saw Ben I was taken aback. He was a tall lean white boy. He had the perfect amount of stubble and a low cut V-neck sweater that clearly showed off his chest. I couldn’t believe my luck! At this point in my dating life I have met one or two hotties but getting them to go out again seemed to be next to impossible. You can understand my excitement then as I stood directly in front of this tall beautiful man who was staring at me directly in the eyes and smiling. That’s always a good sign. As we walked inside I was secretly high fiving myself thinking I got this. Little did I know what I was going to get was not the part of Bens body I desired.

The first half hour of the date had gone amazing. We talked without any awkwardness and had a lot in common. I kept staring across at this beautiful man not being able to believe my luck. Had I found my prince charming?  Or possibly my friends with benefits charming? I thought I might have! Then the date started to take a strange turn.

After sharing stories and becoming more and more open Ben really began to share about his life. You would think this was a good thing but it wasn’t. Ben began to chat about a job opportunity he had coming up. This sounds normal right? Well it wasn’t. As he talked Ben began to tell me about how he once had a company in the middle of the country that sold ads to hotels via some machine. I am not good with the technical part so please bare with my vagueness. In short it turns out Benny Ben had a company that sold for $7 million. He even pulled out a calculator. Not a phone calculator but one you got in 8th grad that’s the size of today’s Ipad minis. Ben crunched a whole bunch of numbers until he reached $7 million. Normally one might be impressed with this but I couldn’t help but wonder why he was showing me this. I had given him all the smile and charm I could to show him I was interested. I didn’t need some dollar amount to add to that. Then Ben told me that his ex partner ran off with his fortune and that an FBI manhunt was still going on to try and find where this mysterious ex partner had run off to. Yea. WTF was the only thing running through my head. Ben talked and talked for a half an hour about this subject. At the end he told me he felt robbed and that God, yes God, owed him. I wanted to leave as I felt this was getting awkward but I decided to give Ben the benefit of the doubt. He was a hot top after all! Maybe this did happen?

The next hour and a half I spent listening to Ben tell me about his current roommate. Turns out he randomly met some billionaire who lives right here in San Francisco. This random Billionaire took Ben under his wing and let him live in his mansion… in West Portal. Just saying West Portal was a giant red flag but once again three little letters kept popping into in my head (T-O-P ) and I stayed. The billionaire had cancer. Not only that but apparently he was about to pass away any day and Ben was very nervous. Why was he nervous? Maybe you think its because this man that was so kind to Ben meant something to him on a emotional level. No! That’s not it! This billionaire was going to leave half his fortune to Ben. Why of course Ben. Of course he was! This totally happens. Why didn’t I see that coming? Even more Ben’s billionaire cancer ridden deathbed angel had an estranged son who also lived in San Francisco. Ben expressed to me in detail how nervous and frightened he was that he was going to have to go to court with the son.  I felt like I was in the middle of an upper class Jerry Springer episode or worse a LOGO movie starring Reichen. This was terrible. I should have left but I ended up listening to this story that went in circles forever. Finally I gave up. This guy was nuts. So nuts I didn’t want his nuts. One of these things might happen… Maybe… but all of this? No way. After two and a half hours I politely ended the date saying I needed to go home and was getting an uber. Here is where it got scary and it was only my mistake that made it worse. Ben insisted on driving me home. I don’t know why I didn’t just say no but I agreed.

Ben’s car was parked directly across the street from the café we met at. It was a little 2-door Toyota looking vehicle. As soon as we reached the car Ben turns to me and says he traded in his Mercedes CLK for this. I looked over at the piece of crap in front of me and all I could think was “For this?!?” No one. I mean no one would trade in a CLK for this hunk of junk. At this point my heart started pounding. What kind of a fucked up bitch would tell a lie like that? Furthermore who would believe it? I guess he assumed I was the sucker that would believe it. I didn’t want to get in the car. Ben had some serious issues. What was I going to do at this point? Run away. I guess I should have but I got in the car regardless. My house was only a short ride away. I thought what could happen?

I will tell you what could happen. As we began to drive Ben turned to me and told me he had something to tell me that he couldn’t say in public. I thought FFUUCCCKKK MEEEE as my eyes shot to see that the car doors were locked. This was the moment it was over. I was the dumbass that got in the car with a psychopath. As Ben began to talk all I could think about were all the terrible dates I gone on. What a waste of time. Then I thought about how I haven’t had sex in months. This is what being sexually deprived will do to you. Fucking Tops. I stared back at Ben seeing this beautiful but crazy ass hot white boy and I wanted to scream FUCKING TOPS!  Always fucking with my mind! I wasted over two hours with this bitch and his lies and now I’m stuck in a cheap ass Toyota about to get cut up and killed. With my luck I probably wouldn’t even get raped first.  I was going to die a 2013 virgin. BTW if you put a year in front of the word virgin that means a year you didn’t have sex. I am a 2013 virgin but Ben was not because as soon as I queued back in to what he was saying I heard him say rape. My eyes darted to him and the door and back to him. Well… I guess I wasn’t going to die a 2013 virgin after all.

Ben began to talk more and turned out he was telling me how he got roofied in the Castro and somehow ended up in his car at 4am. Not only that the police were also in his car at 4am. What were the cops doing? They were pulling Bens intoxicated ass out of his own vehicle and giving him a DUI. Ben then began to tell me because of this he was losing his job. I didn’t know what to do so I just tried to console him. This was a little much.

I was a few blocks from my home and wanted to jump out of his car when Ben brought up the rape again. He talked about how he was roofied and remembered a friend making out with him. The next thing he knew the cops were arresting him. I was grabbing the door handle as he spoke certain I was going to jump out the car. Then Ben states, “You know what scares me the most? I said “what?” He said it was that after he got out of the police station he realized his phone was stolen and that someone has been using it. He found this out by calling his phone company and seeing when the last call was made. I probably looked shock as I (still gripping the door handle) turned to him and said, “out of everything you just told me what scares you the most is that someone used your phone?” Ben then said, “Yes. I hate when people use my things without asking.” What do you say to this? This guy just told me he got drugged and raped and what upset him the most was someone using his phone? Still holding the door handle I pretended that my house was only a block away from where we were and Ben pulled over to let me out.

I stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes to make sure Ben drove off and couldn’t see me walk towards my house. I couldn’t believe what happened… Actually yes I could because people are crazy. Turns out Ben was harmless but definitely had a lot of issues.

As you can tell dating hasn’t been that successful for me yet. I have had a couple great dates so don’t feel too bad for me. One thing about dating is this: How inappropriate is it to tell someone you went on a date with that you guys would make better “hunting partners” at a bar than boyfriends? If someone told me that I would love him for the honesty.  Honesty brings me back to Ben. In dating its something you need. Be honest. Don’t be a freak like Ben.

Fuck you Carrie Bradshaw

It has been a while since my last blog. It took a dinner with an old friend to get me to try this one last time. Over two years of silence and I only have one thing to say, “Fuck you Carrie Bradshaw.”

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It has been months since my two-year relationship ended. For any straight people reading that is about 10 years in your dating world. Two mother fucking years! I still can’t believe it. Before that I was a young man living in San Francisco writing about my life and experiences. After two years I have only learned one thing. What is it you ask? Quite simply all I learned is that I fucking hate Carrie Bradshaw.

Some of you may be thinking “Way Harsh Ty” while others might be congratulating me for stating just how much Carrie’s ongoing relationship dramas messed with all our heads. For the bitches that didn’t understand the Clueless reference earlier please do a us both a favor and just stop reading. Why am I giving a big fuck you to one of Americas pop culture icons? Lets take a look at Ms Bradshaw’s track record and see how she almost single handedly fucked up many women and homos around the globe.

What was the first lesson we learned from Carrie Bradshaw? Every girl finds her Mr. Big! Well Carrie all I have to say to that is a big fuck you! Every girl  (or gay in this matter) does not find her Mr. Big.  This illusion that we will find something great in a bar unexpectedly at night or on a magical first date being driven around Manhattan by a car and driver is nuts. Do you know what you find in a bar late at night? No? Well it is also what you find when trolling the inter-webs for love late at night too. Still don’t know? Good because I do and I am going to tell you. It’s that thing you woke up next to that one morning that night after you got trashed. At first sight of the wretched creature with terrible breath in bed you have a quick moment of “Oh no I didn’t” followed by a huge amount of shame that immediately leads to your decision to sneak out of bed without waking them and quickly grab your clothes (strewn about the floor obviously) and leave the house praying you don’t wake that ugly ass up on your way out. You are pretty sure that things probably a man because your ass is sore and you saw a used condom next to the bed… And thank god for that because you couldn’t stand to go to the clinic one more time this week! You quickly run out the door knowing that the shame of walking down the street half dressed and hair a bloody mess is far better than the horrors of the man you just slept with waking up and trying to talk to you. Even worse if he were to tell you his name you would have a much harder time pretending you did not just let that ugly man slip his sausage bits into you at 3am. Yes, Carrie, THAT’S WHAT you find in a bar at the end of the night. Trust me! Also… being driven around Manhattan by someone else’s car and driver isn’t all its cracked up to be. Double dog trust me on that one.

Secondly Carrie taught us that love conquers all. Truly it does. Not only did Mr. Big break up with Carrie to marry another women he then decided to come back in her life and have an affair with her. Does anyone else remember when she cheated on Aidan with Big? What did this teach us? It only reinforced the fact that monogamy doesn’t work for those of use who are horny sluts and didn’t believe in it to begin with. It taught the rest of us that cheating was acceptable and in most cases would lead to great sex as long as you were in love. Yes, Carrie Bradshaw let’s break two innocent hearts all in the name of love. LET’S! Thank you for teaching us that being a mistress is socially acceptable. Once again… Trust me on this one (I’ve lived a lot) It’s not!

Third. When a rich Russian swoops you off your feet you leave your entire life behind you to move to Europe with him. For once I can’t say trust me because as hard as I’ve tried this hasn’t happened to me. If it did come to fruition you know my ass would be jumping on that plane but that’s not the point. The point is once again Carrie has fucked us all. Why has she fucked us all on this one? Well it wasn’t so much that she moved to Europe but what happened after. Carrie was surprised that she was miserable? Really Carrie Bradshaw? Really?!? Let us be a leader to the clans of gays and women that follow you. You up and move with a man you barely know to a city where you have no friends, no social connections and you don’t speak the language. What did she think was going to happen? Then at her loneliest moment Mr. Big arrives to save her. This was a huge lesson to us all that your uber rich ex boyfriend who you had an affair with, a man that had dumped you and a man that could never commit or say he loved you would magically appear at the moment you most needed someone. This. Is. Bullshit. I am also blaming my most miserable and lonely moments on you Carrie Bradshaw because unlike what I was taught by your societal wits no Mr. Big came to save me at my lows, which just frankly made the lows even lower.  To any adolescents that may be reading please heed my advice. Do not drink and take pills (or powdered substances) at your lows. That makes them even lower… Trust me.

Last. I am taking this to the first movie now. I would never mention the second movie because that was a catastrophe. Carrie Bradshaw taught us the ultimate lesson in love. When a man leaves you at the alter after about 6 months of pain and loneliness you not only forgive him but marry him.  Now this is the big FUCK YOU to Carrie. That bullshit ruined me. Thanks for setting the bar so high that no man could ever compare. I am going to run right out and find this uber rich cheating can’t emotionally connect asshole who is going to leave me at the alter just so I can forgive his lackluster ass and marry him 6 months later. Awesome Bradshaw. Awesome! Seriously you taught me well. I have taken most of your lessons and immersed them in my life. What was my outcome? I bet you guessed! My outcome was this… Fuck you Carrie Bradshaw.

Thanks for reading my first entry back into blogging. It’s not much bit it’s a start.